The Blue Tit Salons
Before the weekend where I drank so much my liver swam away, I was invited to a nice little civilised party in Blue Tit Salon which let me check them out for the first time.
This combined my two favourite things; getting my hair done by other people, and drinking fruit cocktails that feel like they’re doing good to my body as well as making my brain laugh. The owners have three salons altogether and we were at the one in Clapton. With it’s cool rustic door mirrors and hairdressers that look like they should be on the catwalk for vogue.
I got to have my hair done and he styled it a little differently pushing most of the bulk of it back and letting the front bit curl naturally. It was beautiful and lasted at least seven minutes. When I go outside I have to put my hair up because the heat makes me angry. Not as angry as people who invite me to play candy crush saga though. Those people make me want to run them over with a tram.
They were doing a tent in the VIP section of Lovebox and did a few lovely styles that I kept seeing all around. It’s easy to see styles that are amazing when yours looks like it’s been raked and sluiced in jelly. I may have put a tad too much hairspray. Just like with alcohol and ice cream, I always read the recommended portion size on the box then multiply it by 18.
The salon is a glorious place to get your hair done as a treat. Check them out here.
The new bright and shiny range from NV Colour
Bright lip products are always a win for me. They match my face because not much clashes with whiter than white skin. The crayon is glorious and glides onto your lips like you’ve just kissed a pile of butter and is just as shiny. And once it’s on it sticks on too. You know this is important to me if you read the blog often as I kiss girls and I like it and I need the lip products to stay on my face.
The lipstick is a colour I normally wouldn’t pick up but when I wore it out with a blouse that a blind librarian would probably pick up, it really made the outfit a lot cooler. This does come off a lot easier than the crayon but after a week of using, it looks like I haven’t used it at all. So of course I plan to wear it forever until I’m a granny still wearing said blouse and possibly working or trashing said library.
For me, blusher does not stay on my skin. So a cheek stick did not look promising. The equivalent of boys putting a sticker of a racing stripe on their Citroen; that shit accessory is not going to solve your problems. But this is a glorious product. It glides on perfectly and keeps your cheeks looking healthy, blushed to perfection and gives the illusion that you actually go outside. My new favourite product for a while I think.
Now of course I have these products I want to try out all the rest. It’s like this every time I go into a makeup store with a line of cosmetics that I really love. Like step aside basket, this is a job for trolley. This also applies to shoe floors and off licenses.
Check the whole range here
How to pack for a Festival
If you frequently visit London Festivals then you only have to bring yourself and some sun cream and you’ll pretty much be hunky dory before you make your merry way home on the tube to a lovingly comforting mattress. If however, you’re going to somewhere for the whole weekend, you’re going to need to pack right or you’ll be that drunk mess asking your neighbour for toilet roll and a penguin blanket.
Obviously you need your ticket.
Forgetting this is not wise unless you plan to jump the fence. And I wouldn’t. I heard the guards of these places have special Taser guns that immediately makes you like Justin Bieber songs.
Unless you plan to keep someone else company for the entire time. It seems a good idea until you both haven’t showered and one or both of your vaginas/penises smells like pond water.
Or some sort of delightful cover for the night time. And don’t forget your teddy. I always have mine.
If you think the grass looks like a luxurious mattress for your weary bones, think again. It’s like chilling for eight hours on a kitchen counter.
These are now an ultimate fashion accessory and they don’t have to be boring. Get them in all sorts of colours or patterns or buy a vajazzle kit and go to town.
Your hair will become disgusting and look like it’s been deep fried. Cover it up.
2 or three simple outfits.
Now is not the time for stilletos/white bottoms/expensive wear. And it’s your call on the jumpsuit plan, I just do not like to be the one stripping down in a portaloo. That’s how you get pregnant.
As much as you can carry in your bag/pockets/socks/bra/mouth.
Especially if you have pale skin. You think you’re going to enjoy jumping up and down to Katy B as much if there’s rolls of skin peeling off you.
We live in Britain. There’s around a 134% chance it’s already raining.
You’ll have one shower and suddenly you’d rather be chased through a dark woods by a clown then go again. And you will immediately switch to wiping yourself. See toilet roll description for quantity.
Because we all still want to look pretty. And if I don’t wear makeup I look similar to a zombie who scares children for fun and takes their dairylea triangles. Don’t bring glass bottles as they will be taken off you so leave your Hannah Montana perfume at home.
A thousand bobbles and two thousand hair pins. About.
Toiletries like toothbrush, aftersun, moisturizer etc.
Try and get bottles that are all quite different. When you’re off your tits in a dark tent do you really think you’ll notice yourself putting Vagisal on your toothbrush?
Enough for a tequila or eighty seven. Not enough that if you lose it you’ll have to sell your gold blue peter badge in order to carry on living.
Especially if you look about eight and you want to get served. Alternatively take the bag ut of a box of wine, chuck it under your top and coo past the security of how many days you have left before you’re due.
Topshop spotty dress
New Look Necklace
I play with my hair all the time. It’s something I do when I’m feeling really awkward. And in front of a camera, I feel like an awkward signet trying to fit in with all the cool ducks who wear pink on Wednesdays.
Went out for a meal last night with a few of the people I’m starting a very cool new project with over the next few weeks. And it was actually hot in London. So this was the thinnest material I could find, but as you all know if you read my blog daily, my breasts have taken on the hobby of growing, and so all the buttons of my tops and dresses keep popping off and landing in inappropriate places. So since I was going out with people I had never met, I thought putting a Tshirt on over it would save people’s eyes being taken out.
Also I forget in the summer months that there are lots more bugs around. I got a fly stuck in my mouth. And incase you’re wondering if there’s any classy and sexy way to get a fly out of your mouth in public, there isn’t. You look like a dying hamster.
White Topshop Dress
Mans shirt from Gap
I was meant to put up a Unicorn Disco review but the photos came out really bad. And by that, I mean I look like a bellend of epic drunk proportions. So on Saturday night, we headed to DEBBIE in Bethnal Green which has music that generally suits my purpose in life. It’s all Female fronted pop with some indie and disco thrown in for a good shaken up smoothie of songs. There’s only so many places you can twirl to Taylor Swift before doing a gentle swag to Missy Elliot.
The bar is cheap and it’s worth the queues because you get a lot of drink for what you ask for and you also get a chip to get a free one on your next round. So later on instead of scratching around at the bottom of your purse for pound coins, ten pences, skittles, or anything else that you can trade for alcohol, you smoothly hand them a chip like you’re in a casino. It’s the only time I will ever hold a casino chip, I have the luck of someone who just broke a mirror throwing it at a black cat who had crossed my path. Under a ladder. With spilt salt surrounding me.
As a ginger though, it was very hot. You couldn’t move in there for the heat. Hence why I have taken the pictures at home and not at the venue where I looked like I’d been deep fat fried. There also wasn’t as many girls there as I’d expected. But that’s where I think the heat came from; all the beards. And it just made me jealous. Because it’s going to take me a long time to catch up with them. So far I have two hairs on my chin. Luke and Leia.
We had a trashy fun drunken night and I would recommend this to anyone who wants to dance away the night. And it’s really nice to know everyone song and not have to stand in the corner humming and nodding your head like an awkward avocado.
Next DEBBIE night is a Kate Bush Special
A night at Totem Bass
So this is one of those cool nights that cool people go to. So walking into this room was like joining a load of sunglasses emoji’s chilling to ‘sick beats’ while sipping on drinks so strong they could barely lift them.
One of our DJs from Missfit D’affro was part of putting this altogether alongside Noa Logan, IJ Sookie and Ola Omiye. With music like MIA, Major Lazor, The Party Squad DJ Sliiink, Dismantle, and DJ Chuckie it is not the usual Justin Tiberlake music I’m used to. But I enjoyed the music a lot ad twirled around in what I hope was a very cool manner. And I would have brought sexy back if I could have found the receipt.
It was a mixed night which we don’t often attend because there’s always that one guy who asks if he can partake in your sexual endeavours. The whole night was really chilled. Only one slightly off his man tits guy came up to us towards the end the night and forgot what the term lesbian meant so we Taylor Swiftly made our way home. Made me realize why I like being a girl. Girls can think about sex without their genitals making a guest appearance.
The new plan is to go to more cool nights like this one and less doing the tragedy moves in G.A.Y. And in this club there was lot of people in jumpsuits and I didn’t once get asked why I was wearing a onesie outside, so that pretty much counts for everything. And I managed to pull the whole “cool and I belong here” thing off too, until I fell down in the street. I’ve never been that great with maths but I can tell you that a 23 year old running at 6 mph with 2 litres of tequila in her system flies 8.9 feet when she trips over her own heels.
Find out more about the night here
Kate Moss Lipstick Shade 1
When you’re in a club, and when there’s tequila involved lipstick doesn’t really stay on your lips. It likes to smudge onto your teeth, cheeks and other people’s collars. But this one clings on like a bitter ex stalking your social life. And I love it.
This lipstick has held the bright red durable crown for a lot time. I keep trying other ones but then I find this at the bottom of my handbag rolling around with my gum and parking tickets. The range by Kate Moss has a huge range going right up to purple. I like number one as it seems to match my pale skin, it’s bright and preppy and and doesn’t make me look like a clown having a ‘moment.’
I can’t be reapplying lipstick all night when I’m working so this is a majestic range. And if you want to be kissing someone all night, this is the lipstick for you. I had to put some on today because I was wearing a white lace dress and white shoes and with my casper skin, it was all a bit too much white and I looked like I was off to play the tennis. Another game I don’t really understand; it’s like they’re not even trying to hit each other.
How to get ready quickly.
There are often times when I just do not want to get up. This is called everyday. And when my phone wakes me up I will put it on vibrate. And then when it vibrates, I throw it agains the wall. And that crash is the cue for my flatmate to come and drag me from my glorious warm duvet cave and into the reality of the day. And by the time I’ve gone through this charade, I don’t have as much time as I need to get ready.
Shove deodorant on and throw some water on to your face like they enthusiastically do on the skincare adverts when they’re pretending they’re having a fabulous time getting their entire bathroom soaked and drowning their cat in the process. This always makes me feel much more awake but it also puts me in the kind of mood that makes me want to kill my friends and family. Spritz dry shampoo on so people don’t think you’re nesting slugs in your roots and you’re all squeaky clean on the outside. Even if you feel as dirty as the sex you were having last night. In your head.
If you look on pintrest you will see a rows of pretty buns that are tagged under “messy”. This is a fictional world where if you turn your head upside down you will instantly transform yourself from drooling mess to chic goddess. Do something quick like a ponytail or straighten it and scream at the GHDs to hurry the fuck up when they take they’re long seven seconds to heat up. If you’ve got a fringe that will probably be sticking up making you look like a baby unicorn because life sucks, pin it back. Or consider chopping it off.
It helps if your makeup is somewhat organised. Mine is not and I can spend hours clawing through my drawers like a giraffe on heat. Concealer is a lot easier than foundation because you don’t need to blend it all in and lip tint can be used on your cheeks and to brighten your eyes too. Red Lipstick makes you look like you’ve spent years carving out the perfect outline of your lips when you’ve only spent a 37 seconds doing it in front of ThisMorning staring at Willoughby’s chest.
Something else I’m preaching without practising but having all your shit packed and ready to go will save you so much time. And you’ll avoid that awkward moment on the bus when you drop last night’s knickers trying to find your oyster card. Pack everything up including work, files, lunch, make up, yoghurt, spongebob snack pack, detailed plans on how to get revenge on your ex and any other vital things you will need during the day
Have one outfit that you know you can always wear. Whether it’s a dress that gives you an instant rack or those apple bottom jeans with those boots with the fur. If you know you look good in something you can instantly find it on the floordrobe and it saves stomping around like a toddler because it’s Friday and you can’t wear sweatpants otherwise you can’t sit with us.
Sleek Makeup Palette Au Natural 601
When you work in a club environment, the makeup has normally made it’s way down your face and introduced itself to your white top by the time it hits ten pm. So I do search a lot for makeup that actually lasts and clings to your face like a girl who celebrates your week anniversary.
Like with a lot of cheap shadows, these ones were very soft and smudge easily, but once on the eye they don’t set nicely. The colours do look identical on the skin and in the palette. It can be really annoying when you’re thinking you’ve found the perfect lilac and on your eyes it looks like you were smacked in the face with a frying pan.
The coppery one I find looks lovely swept over another colour and you have instant shimmery eyes for when you want to impress your next door neighbour. The soft grey was nice to smudge around the whole eye to give you that ‘I know what I’m doing with my face shit’ sort of look. So I’ll use about four of them at most I think. Which for me and my makeup palettes is really good. I don’t think I’ll use the bright ones like the yellow unless I end up at some sort of eighties rave. I’m keeping that and the feather bower, just for that possibility.
Heather Peace Album Launch
I think I slated Heather’s first album on a video somewhere on the internet in which I used the words “I liked her better when she was dressed as a police woman.” Because sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and go for a stroll out through my mouth.
This album has completely changed my mind about her as a singer. It’s actually incredible. It’s not often I hear songs that I like straight away; it normally takes a few listens on repeat while I’m pretending to listen to my Dad on the phone when he’s asking when I’m thinking of getting a real job. But so many of hers I found myself wanting to sing along by the second verse. And by singing along, I mean get up on the stage and pretend the audience was there to see me in my unicorn jumper.
At the launch she played a selection of tracks from the new album. The title track The Thin Line sounded amazing and she really does have skills on the keyboard. My favourite was ‘Dance with the Devil’ because I loved the tune and it must be really satisfying to write a song about an ex. Jay Z must have been drunk at his time of writing because I can’t really think of 99 problems that don’t involve women.
‘House for your Broken Heart’ had a lovely story behind it; that her friend had come to her house after a breakup and felt it was a safe place. It’s always better to have loved and lost anyway, than to have sent them 41,000 drunk texts. I also liked her tribute to her wife Ellie, ‘I pick flowers’ which showed how much she loves her; and that maybe her extreme fans should stop sending her baskets of roses and cupcakes with her face on them, made with their tears. Her big gay anthem ‘We can change’ will be sung in clubs for years to come; and really is something you’ll twirl to covered in glitter. A proper mix of everything and she’ll make you feel happy and sad about things you haven’t even been through.
I had an amazing night and I also spilled quite a bit of raspberry mojito accidently. Right down my throat. I met some lovely people too. Except for the man who asked why I had a rhino on my top. Before you criticize a woman’s outfit, count to 3 and then do seriously anything else before she sets you on fire.
Buy the album here; it’s gloriously majestic and you’ll get obsessed and start scrolling through videos of her on youtube too.
H&M Dress folded into a skirt because the skirt is lost in the floordrobe.
Topshop Lipstain in coral
Today London was really lovely and sunny and beautiful, so I stayed indoors.
Today has just been a work day. I’ve been busy planning the new night Unicorn Disco that’s launching this Friday so wanted to buy some disco balls and see if I could see any unicorns about on the streets of Dalston. I don’t think they like sun either. Had a few meetings about random social media things, and uncorked some lunch so the chat would be a lot more interesting.
I also attempted to do some ‘house chores’ that I’m not that great at. It’s not want to trip over piles of magazines, shoes, papers and shot glasses; but they just seem to accumulate and suddenly you’re wondering if you should be on an episode of hoarders. I put it all in the wardrobe. I don’t need to go in there again until we move.
I feel I’ve had a little too much caffeine today. When you drink so much of you’re pretty sure you can start to see noises. When I want to sound tough I add “and shit” to the end of my Starbucks order. And that apparently means quite a few shots more of espresso. The more of it I drank, the longer I could go without blinking. If I’d started calling blonde girls dandelion as well, I could consider a drastic career change.
I am aware of how white I look in these photos. And now that my flatmate has a tan I can’t really stand next to her or it looks like she’s taking part in ‘Ghost Hunters’ and hit the jackpot. I’m in a panda onesie now so everyone’s safe from the glare.
I rarely find hair products I like but this is some good shit.
My hair is quite dry especially when I ombre it so I’ve been looking into hair masks recently. It’s not the best system because it doesn’t make for the sexiest look having greased up cream hair when your girlfriend is lying next to you. Nor do purple unicorn pyjamas but that’s more my call. it didn’t work for me when I had short hair so I’ve come back to it now. Like getting back with your ex but without the shame or crying out tears of vodka.
This actually works really well because it doesn’t make your hair impossible to style afterwards like a lot of products I’ve tried have done. When you’re trying to have a meeting with someone important and your hair keeps statically flying around like you’ve rubbed it with a balloon, it won’t make you look like someone trying to get their business off the ground, you will look like a toddler who’s hyped up on crayons.
To me this is best if you put a big blob on the top of your head and then pull it through with a large comb or your fingers. I then put a large bobble or a scrunchie in it, because they’re actually acceptable again now, and then sleep in it. It’s easy to wash out and you do start noticing a difference after a while. I use it around once a week and it makes my hair really shiny so I swirl around thinking I’m the black swan or in a shampoo advert or running though some sort of glorious meadow. And in the disgusting summer months where you feel like the world has been set on fire, it helps with the frizz. But not the one percent of germs, bacteria and frizz that no product has ever managed to defeat.
Everything has changed
So, basically, the reason this blog and Missfit have been on private for a while is because I’ve been trying to get my shit together and sort it all out. But blame the tequila for how long it’s taken. It’s hard to type when you’re throwing up in your pot plant.
So first things first; this blog has changed the most dramatically as it’s now more of a diary. And I chose the most vain name I could possibly find for it. Dot com just wasn’t enough clearly; it had to be all about me me me. I’ve started a lot of new and exciting projects recently; some of them for youtube and a lot of them to do with fashion and London. So it made sense to change everything over. Everything will still begin with F and I’ll still be failing at life. This will just be more me on the East London scene, what I’ve been drinking and fashiony bits. And there will be none of this new craze of jelly sandals involved. There are holes in them to let your dignity seep out.
Missfit; which is mine and Sandra’s company now has all the sex, the drinks, the interviews and many more of the funnies on it. I wanted to expand Missfit and get lots of other writers involved too and make it into a huge blog so I could keep my own one quite personal. You can’t really have a personal blog and then talk about sex. Because your next door neighbour does not need to know that the purple vibrator is too sharp and feels like a shark is eating you out. It’s just not a necessary thing to read over your morning weetabix.
So if you want the sex talk and the rest head over to Missfit in about a week when it launches and suscribe. Or stay here with my lifestyle, videos and as many mean girl quotes as I can find on tumblr.
I was just nominated for an Oscar for acting like I enjoyed whatever the fuck my boss was talking about.
How to look more awake
Sometimes you need to look a lot more awake then you feel. Because apparently it’s considered an unaccaptable work ethic if you snuggle into your mouse mat and have a quick sleep.
If you haven’t slept much your eyes will probably be puffy. Putting cold water on them or cucumbers will do the job in the about three minutes. Or stick something in the freezer so that it’s cold and then place it on your eyes; a spoon, a bag of frozen peas or a Taylor Swift album will do the trick nicely.
I always have concealer in my bag. I’d rather leave the house without myself than leave the concealer behind. It does everything and especially hides dark circles, the kind that look like the emperor on Star Wars on a bad day. And you can shove lots on all through the day and chuck a load more on every time you need to look like you’re awake for a meeting when your boss is talking about spreadsheets and all you can think about is spreading on sheets. I also suggest sequins.
Using an eye lash curler will open your eyes and mascara makes you look ready to go. And if you’re tired you’ll probably smudge it everywhere so you’ll be ready for a rock concert too if that event is written in your day planner. Stay away from colourful items as it will draw attention to how tired you are and you’ll look odd. Like if you’re guardian angel fucked up and gave you blue hair and blonde eyes. People will stare. The other way to make sure you have wide eyes for a period of time is to have an orgasm. I suggest the stationery cupboard.
White makeup works for me really well because I am as pale as a white crayon. White eyeliner in the corners of your eyes opens them up, you just have to be careful not to stab your corneas in the process. Highlighter under the eyes or near the brows works well. Or shove cement on there that’s the same colour as your skin. You can find it at all good hardware stores. Or your paint your whole face white or paint it like a zebra and then it will make your ‘off day’ more visual.
The sun was firmly in the closet and did not want to come out for Pride. It was nice for the ginger people.
Well I had quite the pride. There was a huge amount of celebration and proudness thrown into the streets of London with a lot of vodka and glitter thrown in. We started out at the march where people were hiding under umbrellas and covering their hair with hats, feathers and tortilla wraps. So many women marched with Planet London, g3, Diva and just in big groups all made up in rainbows and dodging the exes and drama.
Sandra D was closing the Women’s stage so we were in the crowds there dancing along to the most random acts I’ve ever come across put together. It was kind of like the stage version of eating deep fried candyfloss; probably shouldn’t have worked but really did. I loved Battle of You with the lead singer Mel who makes an essex accent very sexy and doesn’t immediately remind me of fake tan and small diamanted dogs. The stage also taught me that girls should consider having sex with bass players from bands more often because someone who can fingerpick notes at three hundred accelerated beats per minute, would be no bad thing to take to bed.
We made it to a lot of the afterparties at the bars. Titania had a few good cocktails on which tasted like rainbows on a cloud, and the atmosphere of everyone was glorious, but the music was a bit slow. It’s a bit difficult to listen to Sinead O’connor without wanting to fling yourself off a bridge. The official pride after party was buzzing with lots of beautiful faces and I have a very vague memory of admiring the pretty ceiling before falling into a pot plant. I blame the heels of course not me. We ended up in Grace bar towards the end of the night with more vodka cranberries than I care to remember. Judging from the stains on my white shirt, I won’t be wearing it again.
People do like to have a good moan about Pride but at the end of the day, it’s a place to celebrate who you are, you can dance with strangers, you can drink before noon without some sort of intervention, and it’s a huge queer party that stops traffic. Bring on Brighton Pride.
The Pre PRE Pride Party. Because two gut wrenching hangovers just aren’t going to be enough.
Hidden Fashion Dress
New look boots & socks
Necklaces – Mixture of ebay, Topshop & Primark
My trusty well worn hat
So last night we headed to the most glamorous basement I’ve ever been in and danced with glitter confetti. Half of which is still in my bed this morning. And my knickers.
EVERYONE was a party curated by JD Sampson who was looking very dapper, wearing a tie and everything, and will be taking place in LA, New York and Palm Springs. Even though I would love to pack my little pink suitcase and head to all these majestic places, I went to the London one, because it’s in London, and that’s where I live.
The whole party was like a school disco with balloons and even some free cocktails, that actually tasted really good, and nothing like the free drinks you often get in places. The ones that taste like a mixture of cat sick and strawberry jam.
The DJs were epic; including Sampson and Michelle Manetti who is the definition of East London cool and if I could DJ, get a load of tattoos or had the body and balls to wear a crop top, I’d be just like her obvs. The best part of the night though, was trying to sneak the giant E balloon out under my top and the bouncers just wouldn’t let me. Too smart for their own good.