How to know what kind of human you become when you start drinking because what if it’s soon on the citizenship test and you didn’t know?
As a drunk, I myself am usually just happy and I get a bit too excited about tequila and think I can handle way more than I actually can because I have ‘Irish blood.’ And then I think I’m Beyoncé and the shimmies usually go a bit wrong and I’ll end up passed out over my toilet with a cricked neck.
But of course I don’t drink often. I don’t need alcohol to be happy, I’m also happy if the drink is on a table as long as it’s still within arm’s reach. But what if you don’t know what type of drunk you would like to be. Here are my top tips.
The Drunk couple
First of course you will have to get yourself a partner. Or a cat.
These come in two stages. First will be the sickly stage where you come out together, possibly dressed in matching rainbow jumpers. You then start to drink together, always having the same amount and you might even sip out of each other’s straws because you just can’t be away from each other’s spit for that long.
The second part is cringy and rightly so. You will start to bicker slightly about maybe one of you looking at a girl’s dungarees in the wrong way. And then all chaos will break lose and it will be a mixture of drinks being thrown and hair clips and sparkly nails galore. This of course is not all couples, some just get drunk and start shagging up against a stairwell which is much more preferable.
The Horny Drunk
Normally you would be fine, and you’d sit at home in your sloth onesie and knit your toilet roll holders. But as soon as you have a shot, you are on heat. You need to be leaning up against walls, often with one leg up looking no higher than the cleavage spot and no lower than the knees. Everyone loves a few sexy knees. Of course being a horny drunk means you need to move from girl to girl in your quest to go home and have sex with various objects and candy floss.
The Happy Drunk
These are the people who have had all their anger pushed out of them to make room for a barcadi cocktail. You have to be very smiley to be one of these. You have to love everyone, kiss everyone, befriend everyone, and want to do things with everyone. You’re a bit different from the Horny Drunk as you find pleasure in other things like stories from peoples’ pasts and unicorns and not just frilly KNICKERS under chinos.
The Angry Drunk
It’s not very nice to be one of these. You cause difficulty and suddenly, after a few shots, even a door will piss you off for getting in the way; and much like a PMS woman, you will think it’s nothing to kick it down and call it an arrogant dickhead.
The Idiot Drunk
These also come in two stages. One, you will decide to do something very silly like climb a lamppost with a bag of candy floss and a sheep and think nothing of it. Or two, you get very confused and have no idea what you’re doing, who you are, who you’re with, or why you’re chewing pink sugar while shearing a sheep.
I might fall into this category as I often get confused when drunk and say things like “I have a pornographic memory” or I get really terrified of the hand dryers because I think they’re out to get me.
I got a new blazer and I’m in love
New Look Dress
New hat again I think I may wear this all the time now forever
I love this blazer. I just got it sent fro Topshop. I go into that shop like I don’t need to pay bills. They’re arriving in red envelopes at the moment but I’m sure if it was really serious they’d start arriving by owls or covered in flashing lights or something. I like that it’s long because it goes a lot better with dresses and it covers my bum which I like a lot because then I don’t have to keep checking for VPLs or whether or not I’ve sat in guacamole. Again.
The dress I got ages ago but haven’t been wearing it too much because I always felt every time I wore it, it looked a bit like I was taking a trip back to school. And I might as well get the braces put back on and braid my hair into pigtails. I know what you’re thinking, I was hot in secondary school.
Wore this for walking around Dalston in the evening to have some food and some drinks with friends. I nearly wore heels but then my flat boots spoke to me as I was getting dressed. And what if you need to run away from someone like a murderer or a clown. You have to think about flat shoes in that situation. Or even more importantly when you have to beat the microwave because if it beeps, you lose.
Going to Ruby Tuesdays tonight as it’s a friends birthday so that means tequila. And that means work tomorrow is going to be hell. And that means I’ll want to punch my annoying boss. With a car.
New Look dress
Ebay and Topshop necklaces
Topshop mint nail varnish in case you wanted to know
Songs of Praise at East Bloc
Sometimes on a Saturday night you want to avoid the fancy cocktails and prissy crowd who talk about the humus they get from Waitrose and head somewhere to get messy, sweaty and covered in glitter and confetti. And I love a place that’s open all night and has cheap drinks. East bloc has all the songs to dance to, songs to wiggle to, songs to belt out your own version to, and a very interesting conversation that two gay guys were having in the toilet queue about how they thought tampons worked. Everything is music to your ears if you’re drunk enough.
We spent most of our time in the main room where there was a lot of twerkable tunes happening. I never used to twerk but I do like to reinvent myself a lot so I was going for it this week. There were a lot of good dancers in there though, bopping all over the show and very cleverly, not looking like they were having a stroke. I got a bit distracted by them to be honest and for like at least seven minutes, didn’t drink tequila. More girls than I expected to see too. The residents The Sugalow boys, David Oh and Neil Prince played some really amazing stuff. Stuff I’d put on to clean the house in my pants. Also we were going to leave around four but then TATU came on so we had to stay until six.
I like this club because of the variety to music in every room. And there’s places to sit and chat if you wear impossibly high heels so you can pretend to be a giant. I like to sit in these places and test strangers by talking to them about really random things. You know you’ve told a good joke when half of them won’t look you in the eye and others go to use the hand sanitizer.
I also actually have to mention the security. They are the nicest people I’ve ever met. And seem very popular with the regulars and look like they’re having their own little party on the street outside. This week at Songs of Praise there was also a Kate Bush room and a PA by M.O which made my flatmate bust out all her moves. The people there are a gorgeous crowd who stay there until the end in all their glitter and feathers and a pants off dance off is encouraged. I definitely recommend it for a down and dirty Saturday night.
Five ways to Cure Chapped Lips
Winter is a beautiful year that is hitting us nicely now here in England. And yet it can wreck your beauty completely from getting rained on so you look like a squirrel who fell into a pond to the wind blowing your hair so much it looks like you’re using it for leaf storage. But for me the worse thing is chapped lips. Because you can have a face that looks like Natalie Portman but if you’ve got bits flaking off your lips, you might as well put your hood on back to front.
Very obvious start but there a good range of lipbalms that are very good in the colder months. Of course Lip salve is an entire industry based on you losing the product when you’ve used around 12% of it and having to buy more. The Eos lipbalms are the ones all the beauty bloggers ar talking about. And they’re fun to put on. It’s like a game. Carmex is quick and effective but for me stings like someone’s stabbing my lips with knitting needles.
I find Kiehl’s works the best but it’s very expensive and I only have it because I ‘borrowed’ it off my flatmate and now it can’t be returned to her because we have joined as one. Vaseline is a very good protector from the cold but beware of high winds and long hair. It will stick to the gooeyness so fast you will look like cousin It off the Adams family.
It sounds rude and it begins with F so I love it. But getting your lips hydrated will make them a lot less likely to crack and bleed. And yes sipping water is very dull compared to a large hot chocolate with a side of whipped cream or a very large tequila with a side of sex but it will do wonders for your lips. And if you’re taking the last option, you’re going to need them to be in top condition.
Putting oils on your lips can make them soft and juicy like a plum. You don’t need to sell your cat to buy really expensive ones either; any that you’ve got lying around in your kitchen cupboards will work a treat, although coconut is said to be the best. It absorbs very quickly so you put it on anywhere to ease the soreness and leave them feeling a lot healthier. This will also work with almost anything else on your body. I say almost because you don’t want to be putting oil in certain places. Well not yourself anyway.
Yes this does feel a bit weird but there are some amazing scrubs out there that make your lips feel like they’re being treated with rainbow love. Lush sugar scrub is like a magic potion that you put on and it makes them soft instantly. And it tastes incredible too you’ll scrub your lips for a little bit and then feel sick afterwards because you couldn’t stop yourself eating cosmetics. I would avoid a lush one if you’re on a diet. If you’ve been living on a diet of celery and iron pills, you might end up licking out the entire pot. Gently exfoliate them using gentle motions of a washcloth or an old gentle toothbrush that’s still your friend.
I know we haven’t seen the sun in a while but your lips can still feel it. Especially if you’re ginger. This will prevent them from drying so much that they look like you’ve been making out with a person made from radiators.
New Look Shirt
Oh my god I have a new hat I know madness right
Simple outfits are the best for Britain
Sometimes you just have no idea what the weather is going to do. It could be a majestic sunny day and then suddenly a storm will start bringing with it a tornado that flys your house to Oz. And it’s so tiresome having to tap your ruby slippers together every time to get back to London. I think it’s a very British thing to do to ‘Dress for the indecisive weather’. Just like making tea correctly or climbing into a pot plant to avoid going the same way as someone once you’ve already said goodbye.
I love this shirt because it’s just so simple but glorious. And it goes with everything. I wore leggings and red heel boots with this outfit and added red lipstick later which of course got rubbed off in a haze of tequila. I also had a black jumper and a grey blazer on which I had to rip off later on because it got hot. The hat I bought off ebay because I feel you can never have enough hats. I might add some coloured ribbon around the top of it though because I feel it would add a dash of colour to it. If I could find some unicorn ribbon then even better.
The shirt looks a bit creased in these pictures whereas in my head, it was ironed to perfection. With my straighteners because I do not own anything useful like an iron. We did have an iron but I dropped it down the stairs on moving day after tripping over my own lace. So now the trusty straighteners see all. It can be quite annoying when there’s two of you and only one pair but the flatmate and I find a way to compromise most of the time. I get my way and she find a way to let her anger out.
Peters & Co. Gin Palace
I don’t really like gin and yet I really like this gin bar.
Mainly because the cocktails taste so divine you can’t understand why after 3 you’re spilling it on your apple bottom jeans and struggling to walk in your boots with the fur.
The bar is set in a Pie and Mash shop where all the décor still remains. It’s a very cute little place to sit and chat by candlelight and agree over how unsexy the adverts were back in the day. It has over 30 gins that can be put with pretty much anything as the bartenders really know their business.They’re fluent in the launguage of gin. Just like me and the language of unicorns. My flatmate had a Monkey 47 with grated dark chocolate and blackberries. It’s like being in a frozen yoghurt shop where you get to pick the toppings but it’s much better because it’s not frozen yoghurt and you get drunk.
The ice is there is also incredible. It’s none of that barely frozen stuff that melts instantly. That’s as pointless and annoying as single people giving relationship advice. The block they have looks like the cousin of what sank the Titanic it’s so big and there are shards sticking out of your glass that could stab you. And I find drinks always look so much prettier when there’s an element of death involved.
If you love gin, this is obviously the place for you. I had a Joan Collins which was a strawberry and rhubarb mashup that I tried to sip on like the lady I am before I downed it like I was scoffing a pudding and got some in my fringe. How incredibly sexy. They did do quite a good vodka as well though I must say. They also sell every gin with a story, like you might have chosen Winton Churchill’s favourite drink. So you’re also there to learn of course. Stay in school kids, or order gin with a history lesson.
Check it out here
Rubys in Daston
Top -Hidden Fashion
Skirt – New Look
Ring and necklace – Ebay the queen of my shopping time
So not the Ruby’s I’m used to, which is the one I go to on a Tuesday night and have tequila contests, but the one in Dalston. And this one is le fancy.
The cocktails there are like art. They are so pretty and I wanted to instagram everyones in the room, and I would have sat on a lot of laps to do it. It might have showed me a new career path anyway. It’s a cute venue with table service and they immediately bring you “water” which I’m told is a drink that doesn’t have alcohol in it.
The drinks I chose reminded me of childhood when I used to eat healthy fruit type things rather than grabbing a can of pringles for breakfast. I had a rhubarb sour made with vodka, aperol, rhubarb, lemon juice and egg white that tasted like the crumbles we used to have when it was my job to crawl under the huge leaves and pick them. The blackberry mojito was simply beautiful. Sandra however had tequila mixed with white wine which should have been called the death drink. Tasty though.
The drinks are very reasonable too at about £8.50 which I can actually afford. Because I don’t mean to brag but today my bank sent me an email saying that I am outstanding. Winning. In the top picture I just wanted to show you how desperate I am for a haircut and that I really can’t see much at the moment. It’s good in a way, there are many ugly things in the world like war and light mayonnaise. I really enjoyed this little place and will hope to frequent there again so I can try every cocktail on the menu.
The website is here
Fruity Gorgeousness for your bubble bath
There aren’t many things that are better than lying in a bubble bath at the end of the day. Well maybe a bubble bath with a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Or a box of wine and a crazy straw. Or Natalie Dormer in the bath too. I’m getting too distracted.
The end of my day usually falls somewhere between 3 and 5am so it’s a lovely treat to completely ignore the neighbours’ wishes and run the hot water when I get home. Possibly chuck on an Eminem playlist too, you know, just to relax further. The elderly couple complain a lot but I’m sure they’re bopping in their beds telling each other if they’re the real slim shady they need to stand up.
I’m trying to eat healthily at the moment so I like to live life vicariously through my bath products. So names like lemon meringue or Sugar fountain work well. One of the products here is called ‘Pink Champagne sorbet’ and smells so completely delicious I can imagine eating my way through a mixing bowl full.
The products all smell delicious and lather up massively on your skin so you only have to use a tiny bit. They can also double up as a bubble bath and that goes even further. My bathroom looked like a cloud. It was brilliant. The raspberry pavlova smells so gorgeous it makes you hungry and the ‘I love’ healthier blueberry smoothie one has a much lighter scent if you don’t like really rich smells. And probably much better for the diet.
I got these products for only £2 each and they work with my sensitive skin too so they’re perfect for a little treat for cheap.
Street Art I love
A few of my favourite bits of art from around East London
I actually have an art degree. And that realization surprises me constantly when I try to draw a picture of something and it looks like a toddler has spat up some crayons. Coincidently I also look like a toddler when I wear dungarees. Not hot like all those tumblr girls make out.
I love street art because I love anything that isn’t supposed to happen. Like when people say no to a proposal in front of a room full of people or dipping donuts in candyfloss. It’s graffiti and it’s not meant to be there, making a mark on a wall like it’s the artist’s signature. It makes it much better than something hanging on a wall of a museum who’s owned by a woman called Gertrude.
My favourites are when they are part of their surroundings. Like the maid lifting the wall above or the elephant we saw last week balancing bricks on its trunk. And because of my obsession with baby animals and my imagination that runs a bit riot after a few gins, I genuinely convinced myself that the flatmate and I could keep a baby elephant at ours as a pet. I’m still dreaming.
Bank holiday is Latin for ‘Drink on 3 days instead of 2’
The first night of this liver diseased weekend was not surprisingly spent in Dalston Superstore with the return of Club Lesley. Which meant seeing loads of people I hadn’t seen in ages. So a lot of clumsy hugging and as many shots ordered as we could fit in the bar. And that is a very long bar. A lot of photos were taken as well. I find I am at my sexiest when I send a selfie and don’t crop out the berry cocktail dribbling down my chin.
Music wise it’s a good mix of 90’s classics and remixes of cool chart things. Particularly loved the Spice Girls and MIA clash. Downstairs was a bit more dancy. I didn’t spend much time down there because I often feel dance music is like listening to your heartbeat on the outside of your body mixed with a selection of symbols. A lot of my friends adored it though and didn’t move from their little spot all night.
Of course I have to point out some of the bad bits but it’s more to do with the bar. Service at the bottom bar was terrible. Seeing as it’s a girls night, the second a boy came to the bar, he got served instantly before any of the women waiting patiently. I tried to look like a boy but couldn’t quite manage to hide the cleavage or stop my high pitched demands of needing alcohol at that second. Sometimes I only have one drink and sometimes I wear dresses buttoned all the way up. I’m of course joking. Neither of those happen ever.
Because of the rareness of an all-girls weekend night in DSS, the night is completely rammed. It is a place to dance, definitely not a place to chat with your friends. But unless you get knocked down the stairs in the chaos of it all, it’s very difficult to have a bad time. It’s a glorious atmosphere, a big mix of epic tunes accept for one weird Lion King moment, and it’s one of the queer women’s nights not to miss. And after the shots that are likely to be consumed, the next day will be spent doing that really cool yoga position of crying into your pillow.
Things about it here
More reviews coming up from this weekend soon. Where did you lot go?
Oh my god that hat again seriously
Topshop socks they have bananas on the soles why
Kate Moss Lipstick
This dress was in the window of Peacocks when I was passing and without any fault of my own I was suddenly in the check out queue paying for it. It was only £12 and I never normally wear such bright things so thought I’d roll with the apparently cheery mood I was in. This changed drastically later on when I realized the boots I wanted to wear with it had a piece of chewing gum spread out on the heel. When I’ve got my marigolds on, slicing dried gum off my shoe with a potato peeler, I can’t imagine anyone not finding me sexy.
The weather turned this weekend which I rather like as there was no chance of me getting sunburnt by the moon. Having wore bare legs for a long time now, it was quite a comfort getting the wooly socks out the drawer and sliding across my laminate flooring in them. I look forward to more of this as we approach Autumn.
Video Posted on Updated on
Oh look I went back home to Wales
It’s not often I get to spend a bulk of my time back home in Wales. My job keeps me in London a lot of time because London actually had people and buildings in it whereas Wales has fields, mountains and sea. And sheep.
I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up and had my own room there. As you can see it’s pretty much all pink and I had posters up of Spice Girls and steps and I remember crying when they split up. My grandmother, who I call my Nain, still smells like my childhood. Which is how all my older relatives smel. When did all the women over 76 get together and decide to wear the same perfume?
Makes a change to be home and eating well. Because normally my pasta meals taste like my budgeting skills are fucking terrible. She thinks I’m far too skinny and should eat around every 74 minutes. So it’s a good fricking job I live on a steep hill otherwise I wouldn’t fit in the train on the way home.
Went to the beach where someone was convinced they’d seen a shark. Not one to normally get sharks is North Wales. I heard they like places where people actually go in the sea, like Australia. Because over there is located half a mile from the surface of the sun, and over here, we have to put on three wetsuits and a fleece blanket just to dip our toe in.
It’s a very relaxing place and I don’t do anything when I’m there. Accept walk around talking to the pets like they’re my best friends and eating icecream. But that’s what you do on your holidays isn’t it?
Topshop Tshirt Dress
Primark belt but do you really care about that
Sleek Blusher Pale Contour Palette
It’s a Blushing Red sort of Day
I know I haven’t posted all weekend. I’ve been crazy busy with work and writing stuff. I didn’t even go out on Friday night. You know what’s worse than a Friday night in working? Nothing. Nothing is worse. Of course then I had to go out on Saturday because staying in two weekend nights in a row is how middle age starts.
We ended up in our favourite late night gay bar The Joiners Arms and danced until our shoes broke while sipping on our gin and juice. Headed into Bethnal Green on Sunday and had a bit of a poke around the vintage stores, and choosing to buy a yellow dress which I’ll show you in the week. I think I might have still had a few points of alcohol in my system to come to that conclusion.
For me the weather this weekend was lovely. Dry in the day but not too sunny to burn my skin off and replace it with freckles. I picked this dress up in a sale last week and adore it as t doesn’t matter what underwear I wear underneath and that’s perfect for a lazy person like me. For work stuff I’ve been wearing a lot of white which means I have to dig through the knicker drawer and find a pair that won’t show how many donuts are hidden in the kitchen.
The Facacia range from QVC
Sometimes I think my spots come from my poor life decisions involving very strong shots. And other times I think it’s God punishing me for my decision to download music illegally or forgeting to pay the council tax.
I wanted a brand new product, as it seemed most of the thing I’ve been using recently have made me look like I have full blown chicken pox. Not that I’m complaining, it got me out of work for three weeks. I feel like some of them are so full of chemicals that I’d fail a drug test instantly just through osmosis. And that’s not really my cup of pee.
The Facacia wash is enhanced with acacia and is an antibacterial cleanser and toner, and it foams up instantly. At first I didn’t like the smell but then after reading there was no fragrance added I didn’t mind. It might be one of the reasons my skin hates the stuff I’ve been using recently because it’s pumped full of stuff that makes it smell like grapefruit or dandelions or mint chocolate chip icecream. I think leaving it in its natural state is really working for me.
The serum is a thin cream that is making my skin soft and luxurious. Like the double quilted toilet roll you pay a fiver extra for in Asda. I’m adding the products to my list of favourites because they have lessened my spots, made my skin less red, and now I can actually walk past a mirror bare faced and not scream like a koala on heat.
The product range is all here so you little unicorns can find out more.
My go to look at the momento.
New look jumpsuit
The hat I never put down it may be superglued to my head.
Necklaces – Primark & Topshop
This is a messy look that took me about five minutes to get together because I had a very lazy day Saturday day that was spent in bed watching Orange is the New Black. I was meant to only watch one I swear. And then two. And then we wanted to see more of Alex Vause so we watched until episode four. And then well, we continued. But seriously, I wish my nipples tasted of marzipan.
By the time I had pulled myself out of bed and had some food I barely had any time to get ready so pulled on this jumpsuit and a hat and shoved on some lipstick. It’s my go to thing when really, I should be pampering my skin, washing my hair, and putting on some sort of sequinned dress and possibly sprinkle rose petals on myself. I even wore flats to go out.
And body butter makes you instantly smell gorgeous and I don’t have to faff around squeezing the scent from the unicorn tail. And I always find that creams stick around longer than perfume. Might have to tell Britney to sort that out and that I need it to last a bit longer than a cocktail and a gangdam style dance.
New Look Dungaree Dress
Topshop Crop Top
Sometimes Sundays are just a day to do a bit of day drinking. If you ever saw me race to the off license 5 minutes before it shuts, you’d hire me for the getaway driver job in a bank heist straight away.
After what was a glorious Saturday night at Holla the night before, Sunday was a little delicate. But also, if you just get redrunk, you don’t even notice. It was another hot day which meant going outside was not one of my favourite things. There are bugs out there. And humans that you have to talk to. The best thing about a bit of day drinking too is that you sleep off the incoming hangover and can still function like other people on a Monday. I mean I still attempt to stab anyone who comes near me, but that’s how you have to act on the first day of the week.